My study schedule is calling, so I must make this short, but I wanted to share from Ephesians. This prayer that Paul prays for the Ephesians is what I pray for many of you and what I hope you will also pray for me. God's gracious love and sovereign plan are our comfort, and what great comfort and security they are. If He has saved us from sin and death, will He not meet all our other needs as well?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do for more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen

Ephesians 3: 14-21

And We're Off...

Today is Day One of studying for Step 1, the first of three medical licensing exams that I will be taking on April 17. I am going to try to blog more during the next three weeks and maybe it will help me maintain some degree of sanity. Please, pray for me that I would have diligence and energy to study every day. I am a bit worried at the prospect of spending so much time with myself, and I am praying that God will help me to glorify him even in my studying. Studying can be a very selfish endeavor for me because it is just me and the books, and by the end of the day I have spent much of my time thinking about how I will do on the boards, how I am feeling, if I am hungry or thirsty, if I, I, I, I...you get the idea. Anyway, I am not sure what the answer is, except to pray that my eyes would be lifted to Him who made the heavens and the earth and me, for He is the one who has saved me, and He is the one who can change me. So, even though my studying seems only focused on me, I am trying more and more to focus on the One who gave me all that I have, and to realize that the things I am learning will someday help me serve the sick and sad that presently seem so far removed. It is hard to believe that learning the Krebs cycle or how DNA mutations are repaired can really help someone, but I am trying. Surely some of this will be useful someday, or maybe it is just a great conspiracy by medical school test writers to make me miserable. Well, for today they will not succeed. I will not be miserable. Birds are singing, the sun is out, and all the azalea have bloomed. Yes, it is quite lovely here, and even my little hydrangea has decided to peak her head out for another year. So, miserable test writers, and all you people who think amino acids are interesting, here is to you. I am one less medical student that you have made miserable today. Praise God, for he makes all things possible.

Pictures of Miss Hydrangea and The Azaleas and The Vine that Smells Like Babies (yes, I realize this is strange but is is true) :

Ephesians 1:3-10

Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Praise God!

Well, I've not the time to post anything extensive, but I just wanted to share with you (whoever you few readers may be) that today was a major milestone in my life. I have been going to school every year, year after year, for twenty years. Twenty Years! That is a long time. Ok, so four year old kindergarten was not stressful, but beginning with K5 I have been working pretty hard (all that cutting and pasting...yuck). And today, after all this time, I have finished my final day of actual class. Yes, I will still have lectures from time to time, but no more of this endless sitting in class all day. No more numb feet from chairs that cut off my circulation. No more eating my lunch at 10:00am because it might help me stay awake. No more will my life be divided into 50 minute segments everyday. I must admit, I am thrilled. Hooray for 20 years of classroom based learning that is now behind me. I shed no tears, but I am sure I will look back nostalgically in the next few months when I am caring for sick people in the wee hours of the morning. But for now, I am jumping up and down. Four more tests to go...and off to the real world of doctoring.

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord. How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!

Psalm 90:12-17

winter trees and hope of spring

I am like the winter tree
having shed the last speckle of summer's green
with the last flourish of fall color
donned as if death was not expected
falling falling to the cold earth

All the spring and summer growth
seems to escape and fly away
all evidence that beauty had emerged
lost in winds of chilling gray
drifting drifting into my winter dreams

I am left alone
with only bare branches to be seen
and only my roots for comfort
deep down where the cold fears to go
slowly slowly the heart sings songs of hope




I think this poem might be a weird one, but sometimes I feel like the growth God has given has hidden itself away for awhile. Those in the true family of Christ, heirs to his glory, must know that their foundation, their root, is in Christ. He gives life and growth. We have been grafted in to his beautiful tree, and He will be faithful to finish this work he has started in us. So, as we eagerly await the coming spring, let us also eagerly await and pray for change in our lives. And, as always, we must give God the praise for the change that He alone can bring.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

The Return of Tumor Robin

Well, Tumor Robin lives.

Who, you may ask, is Tumor Robin? He is our own cancer-ridden (or maybe its benign, so neoplasm-ridden) robin. He lives is our yard, and he disappears for lenghthy bits of time only to reappear when our last hope for him has given out. Tumor Robin (pronounced the same way you would say Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh) has a large and growing mass on the back of his head, and I guess it will never be fixed. When robins get cancer, they do not get rushed to the hospital. No one sits down with them and tells them that they have cancer and discusses the possible treatments with them. Chemo? Surgery? Radiation? No, just waiting and watching for robins. They do not even know what cancer is. For robins, life is only hopping around in the back of worried people's yards and gathering worms, or whatever else it is that they eat. Tumor Robin is happy, or at least he seems to be. I don't think he has any friends because he is always alone. Yesterday, a blue jay even tried to attack him, and still he just hopped around, a little wobbly from the effects of the tumor, but still hopping around. I came home in a complete panic to study two more hours for my test, and there he was, a reminder of my complete lack of trust in God, just hopping around, eating, and letting his little tumor grow larger. I guess this is what Jesus is talking about in Matt 6, about not worrying. How could Tumor Robin worry? He has no friends and cancer, but our Heavenly Father feeds him. I want to be more like Tumor Robin, trusting God for my next breath, and not trusting myself. When I go to sleep at night, it is God who sustains me, and when I wake in the morning, it is God who gives me grace to make it through the day. God is my strength and my song, my help in times of trouble, and my kind refuge. I want to be more like Tumor Robin, and the Christians that I see with this same attitude. I want to trust God for my next breath and pray that his will alone be done in my life. To God be the glory in all things.

Matt 6:25-30, 33
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I can tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But is God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown in to the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Like a Skin

This weekend we have been at a Tim Keller conference: Cruciformity, Shaped by the Cross. I was so challenged and encouraged. Lately, I seem to have a disconnect between what I believe and want to be and how I actually work out my salvation. Quite honestly, I have been very discouraged by lack of fruit. I do believe that my assurance of salvation is in fruit. Obviously, God does the calling and the saving of me, a sinner deserving nothing but eternal punishment. Yes, Jesus Christ did the saving when He died in my place on the cross. But, as a Christian, my actions should follow my conversion. Dr. Keller was refreshing in his cross-centered perspective of conversion and change. I was convicted that many times I am not reminding myself that I am free (Romans 6) but am living as if I am still in bondage to sin. The cross changes us, especially as the Holy Spirit reveals to us the wonders of the cross and of God's perfect and steadfast love.

This is a song by Sara Groves. I've been listening to it for the last couple days on my ipod so I thought I would share:

The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again
The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he’s been and moves on

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

Feels like I have been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
Come on New Man where have you been
Help me wriggle from this Self I’m in
And leave it like a skin

A new year and still sorely in need of grace...

Happy New Year, all ye who still read this long forsaken blog. January 1, 2007, has come and gone, and it is safe to say that I do not feel much changed. Is not the first day of the year a needed reminder that I cannot do anything on my own? I did not make any firm resolutions except that I quietly hid hopes of becoming kinder and more patient in the back of my mind. And by becoming, I meant that I would be, without set back or delay, immediately kinder and more patient. Kindness and patience are not the actual words I was internally using, but I just desired a general sense of unselfishness and humble godliness. Sounds good, huh? However, New Year's Day proceeded something like this:

8:00, Wake up, drink coffee, seem to have a very unselfish attitude.

9:00 Pray with husband...Ok, so this was actually beneficial. I should have started here in the first place, on my knees instead of pridefully thinking I can suddenly be what I have never been before on my own.

10-2 Groceries, lunch, etc. No big set backs yet. (I'm sure there were many inward sins, but for the sake of the story, I'm just depicting the outward appearance. I am by no means saying that I had not sinned up to this point, because I know I had. OK, just wanted to clear that up...)

2:30 Here it comes...I am taking the groceries in and Flesh rears its awful head...An unkind word to husband because obviously you should not try to have serious conversation when taking in the groceries. And, of course, all the groceries must be brought in in one trip, or all is lost, so my arms are giving way quickly under the weight of eight or so Walmart bags. Inwardly, I sink...the new year is now a complete failure. I can never start again. Oh, no!

2:45 Groceries up (with husband's help)

3:00 Start black-eyed peas to simmering. Quick bike ride with all the other New Year's exercisers.

Ok, so I could go on, but hopefully you get the point. I started my new year on the wrong foot, or wrong feet, because I started it on my own feet. Why did I not realize that God in his infinite kindness and steadfast love had given me those desires to be more like him? I am thankful that He has worked on me so much already. And, why did I think that on January 1, though on no other day, I could of my own will be better? I must admit I laughed at myself quite a bit when I realized my prideful mistakes. This year, like every other year, I must be changed by his power, not my own. So, Happy New Year. I hope you do not follow in my foot steps my taking change into your own hands. Work in God's strength for his glory.

Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
but to your name give glory,
for the sake of your steadfast love and faithfulness!
Psalm 115: 1

monday, monday...

I am reminded today by many occurances that this battle that I fight is not my own. God has fought my battle, and so I continue to fight with his energy. I am not his because of something that I did right because nothing I could do would be good enough. Graciously, God saved me when I deserved his righteous and awful wrath, and continually He shows me his steadfast love. He is good and kind, and even in difficulties, He works good for those who love him. He takes away the things that keep us from loving Him completely, and he disciplines us like a good father.

On Sunday, the sermon was on Colossians 1, and I once again was able to thank God for saving me and giving me strength to fight in his name.

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities-all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body , the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister."
Colossians 1:15:23


Nothing can I bring you,
Lord, I am empty.
You have called me out,
But I am hungry, sick, and full of sin.
Lord, I stand before you,
in this rotting suit of skin.
And all that I can offer,
is a humble here I am.

CHORUS
Lord, you have built your nation.
Holy and dearly loved.
We were dead, but you spoke and we lived.
Sinful but you covered us with grace.
We were unarmed, but you gave us your Spirit and your Word.

Lord, we seem to fight just to make it through the day.
But, Father you fought all our battles,
When you placed your Son upon the cross.
May the spoils for this war go to you and you alone.
And may our victory cries be songs of praise to your name.

Count them one by one...

Psalm 66:1-12

Come and see what God has done:
he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.
He turned the sea into dry land;
they pass through the river on foot.
There did we rejoice in him,
who rules by his might forever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations-
let not the rebellious exalt themselves.

Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

In reading this psalm, I realize that God's kindness extends far beyond what I perceive as kindness. His blessings are not usually what I want. But, success did not lead to the abundance; the trial did. The psalmist praises God for the apparent blessings (passing through water on dry land) and for the not so apparent blessings as well (passing through fire and water). Hopefully, I will be able to look on all parts of life, even the day to day small parts, as being from God. He has blessed me abundantly, and I give him the praise for all the good that I have. But, when I count my blessings, I must remember to count all that God sends my way as a blessing, for He works everything for my eventual good. Pray for me that my eyes would be open to God's blessings and that I would be satisfied wholly in Him.

Birth
O semblance of all things new
From the womb I come bearing scars.
I am of the family of death,
A daughter of Eve.
I look like life, but I am death.
I sound like health, but I am not even alive.
I am new and yet the old sins are upon me
And even my infant hands grasp for what I think is mine.
I am broken
I am born

Life
O the Glorious sound
Live, He says, Live
Grow like a plant of the field
But I am unclean and unwashed
I bring with me the sins of my parents and their parents
And my own sins as well
I am sin itself and I cannot stand before You
Your dear and dreadful Light shows my darkness
I know my guilt
I am alive

Work
O let me help myself
Give me things to prove my love for You;
Tell me what I must do to be saved.
Like the rich young ruler I want to keep my earnings.
You say I only have to let you take my hand
But I want to take your hand.
My work is but another sin.
I think I am strong
I am weak

Grace
O Beautiful Son of Man
Take away this awful guilt
Save me for I cannot save myself
O Coverer of my sin, O Sacrifice, O Love
Let me hide in your shadow
Let me sing in your presence
I am born again into newness and goodness
I am clean
I am born

Birth
O Semblance of all things new
On the cross, the Lord Jesus took on my sins
Received what should be my scars.
I am of the Family of the Heavenly Christ,
A daughter of God
My body looks like death, but I am life.
Sickness may overtake me, but I shall live.
The old sins will not have dominion, for I am free.
I am healed
I am born

"Again the word of the Lord came to me: 'Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.
'And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I made you flourish like the plant of the field. And your grew up tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.
When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, I spread the corner of my garmet over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil...But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore because of your renown and lavished your whorings on any passerby; your beauty became his. Your took some of your garments and made for yourself colorful shrines, and on them played the whore. The like has never been, nor ever shall be...For thus says the Lord God: I will deal with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath in breaking the covenant, yet I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish for you an everlasting covenant. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you take your sisters, both your elder and your younger, and I give them to you as daughters, but not on account of the covenant with you. I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord God."
Ezekiel 16

Spiritual Discipline III: Fasting...for the purpose of godliness

"Self-indulgence is the enemy of gratitude, and self-discipline usually its friend and generator. That is why gluttony is a deadly sin. The early desert fathers believed that a person's appetites are linked: full stomachs and jaded palates take the edge from our hunger and thirst for righteousness. They spoil the appetite for God." Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.

I have rewritten the first sentence for this post seven times in an effort to say something witty or at least light-hearted about fasting. But, the fact is, I (and probably many others) do not like the idea of fasting. I am actually quite comfortable with my routine eating habits, and sadly this probably corresponds to my contentment in other areas of my life. To me, fasting seems more difficult than the other disciplines. It is completely counter-cultural because American culture tells us that our priority should be to make ourselves comfortable and happy. In many ways, I have bought into the lie that my earthly contentment is important and necessary, but I have yet to find this in Scripture. The blessings God promises us are eternal. Obviously, He also gives us earthly blessings, but they should point to Him. It is ridiculous for me to place my trust and my joy in earthly things since all I have is what God has given me. James 1: 16-17 says, "Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." The focus of the gift is not the gift; the gift points me to God. I have not earned anything that I have, so I must thank God for it and find my satisfaction in Him alone.

All of this does have something to do with fasting. In Dr. Whitney's session, he talked about the fact that fasting is expected just as prayer is (Mt. 6:16-17, Mt. 9:15). Jesus assumes that his disciples will fast. So, we should fast because God says we should, and when we fast we should fast for a purpose. We are, in a sense, showing God that we are serious about Him or about our request. We are telling God that He is more important than our food. And is this not the way is should be? God, our Father, is more important that food. He should be our sustenance and our satisfaction.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heave, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."
John 6: 53-58

Spiritual Discipline II: Meditation

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Philippians 4:8

This is the second post in this series on spiritual discipline, and it is on meditation. However, before I go on, you should know that meditation seems to be one of my gifts. Meditation on anything but Scripture. You can be assured that I am always meditating on something, and you can probably also be assured that it is not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely...Actually, it is probably the opposite of these descriptors or just something utterly unimportant. I confess that my thought life is not full of meditation, but I hope that it will become more centered on God's Word. I need God's grace in so many ways, and this is yet another. Well, despite my apparent lack of discipline in this area, I will still share what I learned last weekend about meditation, all the while praying that it will take hold in my heart and grow.

Meditation: deep thinking on the truths and spiritual realities revealed in Scripture, or upon life from a Scriptural perspective, for the purpose of understanding, application, or prayer.

Dr. Whitney compared meditation on Scripture to making tea. If you simply dip the tea bag in the water, it will not change the water. This is what happens when we just read the Bible in the morning, leave for school (or work), and by 9:00am cannot even recall what we read. On the other hand, if you meditate on the verses throughout the day (like letting tea brew), Scripture will color your attitude, thinking, view of yourself, and beliefs. It will also add flavor. Notice that to dwell on Scripture all day, you must first meditate on it enough to remember it for more that five minutes. Well, why does this matter? Meditation leads to obedience and obedience leads to blessing.

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
James 1:25

"Blessed in the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers."
Psalm 1:1-3

I am often discouraged that I am not growing more like Christ, but most days I ponder what clothes I will wear, food I should cook, or notes I should study more than I do Scripture. I am usually wondering if what I said came across the way I meant it or if what someone else said really meant something different. These thing are in no way uplifting, and I know I must direct my thoughts to Scripture. Dr. Whitney gave several methods for meditation, but I will not list them here (I think they are probably on his website). He emphasized that it is an active process, not one in which we clear our minds (worldly meditation), but one in which we fill our minds. He also emphasized that the blessings we will receive are not necessarily worldly blessings. Like James, we must "count it all joy, my brothers, wehn you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-3) What we see as a trial may be a blessing.

So, may our minds be filled with Scripture as we tread through our days this week. May we think on Christ's blessings and our undeserved salvation. May we rejoice in the small steps of sanctification we see in our lives and may we pray for grace to love God and others more.

Spiritual Discipline

This weekend my church had our biannual "Spiritual Formation Institute." Dr. Don Whitney (www.BiblicalSpirituality.com) taught on spiritual disciplines, so I thought I would share some of what I learned. I think I will divide it into a couple different posts on the different subjects we discussed. I am hoping this will help me remember these things better and also be a means of accountability.

The first two sessions were on prayer and meditation, followed by sessions on fasting, silence and solitude, journalling and learning. In the session on prayer, Dr. Whitney explained a common problem in the Christian's prayer life: "We pray the same old thing about the same old things." The latter part is not the problem because obviously we are going to pray about the "same old things" for these are the things about which we are most concerned (family, future, church/ministry, current crisis, etc.) The problem, he said, is that we pray about these things in the same way, and often we lose focus or wander from praying to worrying or day dreaming. Dr. Whitney stressed the fact that the solution to this problem (and other problems dealt with during the conference) must be a simple one because all Christians are called to pray and, therfore, all Christians must be able to pray. Here is his solution: Pray through Scripture. Praying throught Scripture allows us to use God's inspired word in our prayers, and we have fresh prayers everyday. Dr. Whitney recommended praying through the Psalms. Read through a Psalm and pray whatever comes to your mind. Praying this way gives purpose to your prayers, and using the Psalms is helpful because through them God has revealed to us how he wants us to praise him.

I found this session particularly beneficial because I do often lose focus when I am praying. I usually write down my prayers because it seems to be the only way I can not either fall asleep or get distracted. I do think that writing prayers down helps because I see God's kindness in any growth I have or in the way He answers prayers (Dr. Whitney talked about writing prayers in the session on journalling so I will probably get to that in a later post.) I hope praying through Scripture will be a method that will help me have a more focused and God-centered prayer time.

Here is some Scriptural evidence for praying Scripture:
Matt. 27:46
Acts 4: 23-26

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:15-17

Christ is our Captain...

My Great Captain is Christ,
but I am not conquering Canaanites.
The evil here is not so apparent;
my neighbors are not killing their children
or prostituting them to small gods of wood and stone.
I do not have a city to protect;
I do not have a gun.

But, with Christ as my Captain,
my battle is not with flesh and blood,
and I cannot see my enemy.
I can see my neighbors dying, already dead in their sin,
prostituting themselves to small gods of money and comfort.
I have no earthly city to protect,
but I have a gun.

Christ, my True Captain, he is my strength
against cosmic powers over this present darkness
against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
Not fighting against my neighbors, but for their very lives,
showing them that their small gods are their destruction, not their food
leading them to the lasting city,
where Christ is the Sun.

Christ Jesus, my captain, you are my life.
Give the me your whole armor;
keep me alert to the evil that abounds.
Remind me that my neighbors are dying, their children with them,
even though their small gods seem to keep them full.
My city is not here, but I forget.
When, O Christ, will you come?


And Joshua went to him and said to him, "Are you for us, or for our adversaries?" And he said, "No, but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come." And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, "What does my lord say to his servant?" And the commander of the Lord's army said to Joshua, "Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy." And Joshua did so.
Joshua 5:13-15

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.
Ephesians 6:11

I need some newness...

School has once again descended upon our home (uninvited and unwelcomed). My apparent spiritual growth in the area of anxiety has all but vanished with the onset of tests and studying. However, I can see God's gracious hand at work to point out my sin, and for that I am grateful. Please pray that God will sanctify me to trust his timing and provision. If you are still reading my blog, thanks for being patient with my sporatic posting. I am hoping to write more consistently once I get settled into school life again.

Here's a poem on the lighter side...I just thought I'd try something different.

New
Again
I am here
and what I want
is not what I do
there are holes in my skin
where Christ's seering grace seeps through
and when the holes all join
I will at last do
all that I want
I'll be home
Holy
New


From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Threfore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Call a Sin a Sin

Anxiety is obviously a sin:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let you reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:4-7

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which or you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: the neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?...But seek first the kindgom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Anxiety is one of the sins with which I most struggle. It creeps into my heart and mind when I least suspect it, and suddenly I am beneath a dreadful weight of minor cares. So, I am both confessing my anxiety and dissecting it...

Why am I anxious usually?
First, and worst, I am not most satisfied in God and his righteousness. I am seeking earthly success or comfort (in my life this means good grades, health, reputation...). Secondly, I do not trust that God can meet my needs.

What does God say about anxiety?
As I mentioned earlier, it is a sin. I think that God cannot provide or sustain me. I am not treasuring God above all else or finding my satisfaction solely in Him.

Why should I not be anxious?
When Jesus talks about anxiety in Matthew (and in Luke's parallel), he says, "Therefore, ...do not be anxious." So, what preludes these therefores? In both gospels, he has talked about earthly riches and how I can not provided for myself or keep riches here on earth. I think from this I can safely say trying to have these things on earth will produce anxiety, and I should not be concerned with earthly riches.

What is the solution?
Seek first God and his righteousness and in prayer with thankfulness for God's gracious kindness present my requests (what I am concerned about) to God.

My prayer is that my anxiety about what I can find to wear or if I will be able to make the grade I want on the next test will be replaced by peace from God. However, I do not think that the solution is simply to stop worrying; I must find my happiness and joy in Christ and Christ alone.

I know this post is long, but I will end with this song:


Why so downcast, my soul, within me?
Why so downcast, my soul?
Your Father, God, He has redeemed thee.
Why so downcast, my soul?

Lord, You are my only hope,
The Bright and Morning Star.
You came to earth to set me free-
and shed your blood for me.

Father, my flesh it weighs upon me,
tears my heart from Thee.
Save me, Jesus, from myself,
And pour your grace on me.

Lord, You are my Only Hope,
The Bright and Morning Star.
You came to earth to set me free-
and shed your blood for met.

why I am blogging...

As is obvious from earlier entries, I write poetry. I will not say I am a poet because this is in no way my first or greatest calling. In fact, writing poetry falls fairly low on the list of my priorities and responsibilities. However, I do enjoy expressing my gratitude and praise to God for his grace and love through writing songs and poems, and I have been urged, nay spurred onward, by my encouraging husband to post my poems and share them with my friends, family, and any other innocent (only in the sense that they have stumbled upon this blog unknowingly) readers. The purpose of this blog, and hopefully of my life, is to glorify God and to encourage other Christians. Also, if you are reading this and you are sure that you are not a Christian, or you are not sure that you are a Christian, I pray you will “make your calling and election sure” (2 Peter 1:10). I have several links that I think are beneficial for learning about God, so feel free to follow them or ask me questions. Besides posting poetry, I also plan to post my thoughts on some things I am studying (which may include many medical references once school starts back) and some of the things with which I am struggling or that I am learning. As always, I appreciate your prayers, advice, and accountability.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Hebrews 10: 24

a hymn on satisfaction

Your strange mercy has reached into my soul,
And made the old self new.
And when from the depths, I hear myself cry,
I know it's not me but You.

Ah, blessed grace that holds me close
And speaks of hope to come-
When my hungry soul is fed,
and I need no light or sun.

CHORUS:
O Christ, O Saviour, O First fruit,
O Maker, and my God,
My hope, my ache, my thirst, my goal,
In You is satisfied.

Dear maker of this dying world,
Of man and beast and sea,
When will you loose the binding chains,
And set the captives free?

Your tribes dispersed await that day,
With expectations great,
When Christ, their life, appears again,
And wipes their tears away.

CHORUS

In the promise of your Word,
We now are made to rest.
For we know that all our needs
And hopes in You are met.

O grace that we cannot explain,
O love that is so deep-
Keep our eyes afixed on You,
O Shepherd of your sheep.

CHORUS



"Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street. On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And there will no longer be any night; and they will not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God will illumine them and they will reign forever and ever."
Revelation 22:1-5

waiting for glory

a lone tree stands amid the fields

  fields and fields

    rows and rows

      and one tree calling my name.

calling and calling

  until at last I hear

    until I have to notice despite myself.

what does it want, this lonely tree

  that it disturbs my thoughts so persistently

    that it transcends nature's bounds to make me its confidant.

it speaks, softly now

  of sorrow and love

    days and days

      years, generations

of an ever growing old and of newness each spring

  of leaves and branches and birds

    of small hands and large ones, too.

all these things, the lone tree says

  they are just a shadow

    a fading glimpse.

and now I know why the sad tree speaks

  words and words

    grace upon grace.

for his soft voice is truly a groan,

  and his sad smile is one of expectation.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Romans 8:18-25

Living Water

the Spirit carves me out like a slowly moving River
a Spring welling up in me daily
I cannot see how the rocks of my soul are slowly softening
wearing away beneath the work of his Holy Rush and Flow

but yearly as the Waters run
my hard heart is changed
and I can map the alterations in my course
and so the future is bright

may my river bed be eventually a way made straight for the Lord
may I never dig my own cisterns
but may I pant for the Holy Water
the Gift that is also the Giver
and may my Spring of Water be also a deposit
guaranteeing hope to come



"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirst forever. The water that I will give him will beocme in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" John 4:13-14

"In him we have obtained an inheritance having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1:11-14

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2:13