4 Weeks Old

Rocking the blond mohawk

Trying to catch a smile

Hating the snow suit

On Sunday, Elizabeth Wiggs took some pictures of William for us. Check some of them out on her blog.

Our little buddy

A few more...

Prayer for this Child

I think I am finally fairly up to date with the pictures. Sweet William is changing everyday. Here are some pictures when I was trying to get him to look at the camera (in other words, I was trying to move the camera to wherever he was looking). This turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined, but I got some cute shots anyway.

Here is part of a Sara Groves song I have been listening to...Prayer for This Child. In the past 2 weeks, my first taste of motherhood, I have learned that everyday with a baby is a new lesson in faith.

I only have two eyes - be all seeing

I only have two hands - be everywhere

I do not know enough - to be all knowing

I give this baby up into your care

I do not know how, how to pray for this child

I want to guard him from everything wicked and wild

but in the trial, in the trial, I learned to hold on

And in the trial, in the trial, I learned to hold on to the heart of God

Meeting the Family

Last Saturday, William met his great grandparents and some more of his aunts and uncles. He slept through most of it, but we can show him the pictures later. The picture at the top right is of all the William Woodrow Jones'- Senior, Junior, III, and IV. The bottom middle and right pictures are of William with his three aunts and three uncles...don't you like the symmetry?

I am still trying to catch up on my picture posting. Here are a few more from the hospital, coming home, and the first bath. More to follow soon, I hope...

Sweet little guy

William in his coming home outfit...he is obviously thrilled

Mommy, Daddy, and William about to leave the hospital

The first bath was not a happy experience.

Here are a few pictures from the big day...



The "still pregnant" picture is when we are leaving for the hospital at around 6:30 am on Tuesday morning. I started having contraction at 2 am, and we decided we would definitely be going to the hospital by about 5. We got to the hospital at 7am (notice the snow on the ground) and had William at 7:01pm. The pictures at the bottom of the collage are William meeting his grandparents, Aunt Meg, and Uncle Dan. We are still wondering where William got his blond hair.

Welcome to the World, William!

William Woodrow Jones, IV was born on January 20, 2009 at 7:01 pm.

7 pounds, 15 oz. 20 1/4 inches.

I know the blog has been neglected for some months now, but I wanted to start it up again so our family and friends who are out of town can watch our little guy grow. Here is one of William's first pictures. I'll post more of the story later, but we just wanted to say thank you for all of your prayers. William is such a sweet blessing, and we are so grateful to have him as the newest addition to our family.

Hello again...

Well, I am reentering the blogging world once again, hopefully this time to stay. But, as you might have figured out, my schedule can get quite hectic. I wrote this song last year for HJ, and I was inspired to share it by these two. They are coming to our city for a concert next week, and I can't wait. They continue to write relevant and good music. So, about this song. I wrote it for HJ because I still look forward to him coming home everyday. I know its only been almost three years, but I am thankful to have a husband who listens to me and loves me and is forever being patient with me. I know it is not a masterpiece, but here it is...



Six years ago we met in the fall

Football and kisses and shooting stars

Couldn't seem to get you off my mind

We were so young so how did we know



CH: Hurry home, Honey

I'm waiting for you

To talk about nothing and everything

How was your day and what should we eat

How about the city and theology

The rich and the poor and you and me



Three years later and many more words

Late nights and letters and oceans traversed

Sugarless madness and swedish disease

Days just waiting for the phone to ring



A sixty-four mustang and a thunderstorm

Down on your knee on a porch with a ring

Diamonds and sunsets and dreams come true

Hurry up, honey, cause the times movin' slow



CH



One more year and lots of tears

A job in an office and medical school

New city, new home, new husband, new wife

We were so young so how did we know



CH



Two years later on a Friday night

Football and kisses and shooting stars

still can't seem to get you off my mind

Why don't you sit and stay awhile

Strangers

Here is a quote about Christians from the second century (I actually saw it on another blog). I only hope that I can look like this to the people around me, but I fear that too often I am different from the world in the wrong ways. I speak different and shy away from the poor and sinners, instead of trusting that God will provide and looking different because I love the poor and the sinners.

"For the Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. The course of conduct which they follow has not been devised by any speculation or deliberation of inquisitive men; nor do they, like some, proclaim themselves the advocates of any merely human doctrines. But, inhabiting Greek as well as barbarian cities, according as the lot of each of them has determined, and following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They marry, as do all [others]; they beget children; but they do not destroy their offspring. They have a common table, but not a common bed. They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all. They are unknown and condemned; they are put to death, and restored to life. They are poor, yet make many rich; they are in lack of all things, and yet abound in all; they are dishonoured, and yet in their very dishonour are glorified. They are evil spoken of, and yet are justified; they are reviled, and bless; they are insulted, and repay the insult with honour; they do good, yet are punished as evil-doers. When punished, they rejoice as if quickened into life; they are assailed by the Jews as foreigners, and are persecuted by the Greeks; yet those who hate them are unable to assign any reason for their hatred."
- Mathetes, Epistle to Diognetus

All we own...

is in a huge box in front of our house. We are refinishing/installing hardwood floors in our house this week. By we, I mean other people whom we are paying to do the work. Apparently, HJ and I are the harriest people ever. Or, we have the worst vacuum cleaner ever. Either way, our floors manage to get completely matted with hair every week despite the thourough vacuuming we impart on them. I have gotten to the point that I walk around a pull the hair off the carpets by hand before attempting a vacuum. Pitiful as it might sound, I think our hair has been the major impetus for the new floors. As a I sit a look at the once-white-now-brownish carpets, I relish the thought that is less than 7 days, if all goes as planned (and it never does), we may actually have a hair-free, easily cleanable surface on our floors. Hurray! Even HJ is excited to see the hair-infested floors go. Also, we found that half our house had old (1920ish) heartwood pine beneath our carpet, so we didn't want to waste such a find. Part of the wood has another layer of faux wood floors on top. Why would you put fake wood on top of real wood? I don't understand. Anyway, sorry to re-enter the blogging world with such a random post, but I wanted to at least say that I am still alive. I have just started a new rotation and have slightly more time on my hands this month. I hope to post again soon. Here are some pictures of the project:

Sorry it is sideways. Here is our empty den:

One our our many hairballs...hope you don't have a hypersensitive gag reflex.
Fake wood over 1949 newspaper over hardwood
The future of our floors (minus all the paint)

The Many Sausages of Eastern Europe

Apparently, the main fare in Eastern Europe is meat, usually in some form of sausage. I have never had so much packaged meet in my life. Every menu consisted of a list of different sausages and different potatoes to compliment these protein-rich meals. I didn't realize until I looked back over my pictures how many pictures we had taken of our meaty treats, but here they are:

You can eat them anywhere...On a train

In a bun...

In the sun...

In your shades...

At night in Prague...

For lunch in Vienna...

And, yes, we did eat "Vienna Sausages" in Vienna. For all you innocent readers out there, let me explain. For the past four or five years, there has been an ongoing (never-to-be-dropped) debate on the correct pronunciation of Vienna Sausage. In the south, this potted delicacy is not pronounced as the city Vienna is pronounced. (The "i" is long, the "e" is also long.) The boys, featured in this last picture with Vienna Sausage on fork, are still in disagreement. Oh well, we may never know the truth.

Home, Sweet Clean Home

Ah, after 17 hours of travel, we arrived at our wonderful little home last night around 10 pm. I was so thankful to myself (is that strange?) because I left everything so clean. We came home to a bed that was made, clean dishes and clothes, even a clean kitchen and bathroom. I will not say that all is still clean, but it was so refreshing to come home to a clean house. I felt like our little cottage had missed us and was just waiting patiently for our return. Today, we are watching MSU football, with our matching Dell laptops (no Macs for this family) in hand. We are so happy for our home...I know I keep repeating this, but I have been hit again by God's goodness that we could return to a place all our own. I am grateful for my cozy bed and my TV with bunny ears and aluminum foil. Its nice to hear once again the hum (OK, its really a roar) of our washing machine and the sounds of HJ's lawn mower. I was especially glad for our dependable hot water and water pressure. Tomorrow, we head to San Francisco to further our jet lag. I am planning on posting pictures and more Europe stories later.

Happy Saturday!

Prague to Vienna

We have been in Prague, Czech Republic for 2 days, and we are now exploring our first Austrian city. We made it to Vienna today after a morning of misadventure. We arrived at the train station one hour before our departure time, just to be safe, only to find that we were at the wrong station. We took the Metro to the other station and got on the train. Then, we found that we were supposed to get reservation to ride the train. Fortunately, they did not kick us out, but we did have to pay some extra money. I have been pushed for time, so my blogging has slowed down, but our tour is going well. In Prague, we visited several old churches, a castle, an old foot bridge, a classical concert, the church of John Hus (an early reformer), and several delicious restaurants. We were fairly certain (well, I was anyway) that we were sitting next to Simon and Garfunkel last night during dinner. There were two men sitting across from a lady. On the right, one guy had curly/frizzy hair with garfunkelish glasses. The other guy, on the left, was fairly nondescript, but they had a guitar with them and were having some heavy music discussions. We took their picture, but were convinced it wasn't them when the lady paid for dinner.



Prague was picturesque, like page after page out of a fairy tale, and the weather was perfect. We are continually surprised by how old everything is. The cathedral we visited was started in the 1300's. I will give more details late, but now I need to get to bed. Just a bit on Vienna...the part that we have seen is great, much more modern that Prague. We ate in a restaurant tonight whose building has existed since the 1100's. It was two stories below ground. Well, that's all for now. Hopefully, I can write more later, but the internet connections are few and far between.

Krakow (Cra-cough)

My blog time is limited today because I am using the internet in my hotel and I only paid for 30 minutes, 19 of which have already been used. So, here is 11 minutes worth of the last 24 hours...

Last night, I went by my lonesome to the Krakow Orchestra concert. I sat behind this man, an older English gentleman I think, who was also on our tour to the Salt Mines. He was wearing the same suit from the day before, small black and white checks, except at the salt mines he had a rain suit over it at first. He just looked like any other tourist with wind suit on. Then, much to our amusement, he took off his jacket and had a full suit beneath. I think he must be Mr. Bean's dad...his hair sticks up in the back like he has slept on it for days and only fixes the front in the morning.

Back to the concert...The orchestra turned out to be a chamber group (2 violins, a viola, cello, bass, and harpsichord. The first violinist had the most graceful and light sound. The concert was a perfect mix of old and new. Held in an old baroque style church, the group played concertos by bach, mozart, and corelli. But, the musicians were all around my age, some of the guys had spiky mohawkish hair and the girls were typical stylish europeans. I loved it.

In other news, HJ finishes work today. He is meeting with his European counterpart today (whatever that means) and then we are going to Aushwitz. The weather is still very rainy and my nose is still very runny. Tomorrow we leave for Prague to rendevous with our friends.

Until next time...

Krakow Day 3

I am sitting in HJ's cube in the office in Krakow. He is about 10 ft away in a glassed in room training a group of people to use some software. He must really know a lot about computers. Wouldn't it be nice if I could ask him a question about mine right now. I can see him, there he is answering someone's question about THEIR computer. Maybe I could send him a note under the door? Oh, I know, I'll write it on a piece of paper and hold it up to the window...HOW DO YOU GET PICTURES OFF THE CAMERA AND ONTO THE COMPUTER??? OK, maybe not. So, I am in a predicament. I do have lots of great photos, but I can't figure out how to put them on the blog. I think I need a CD with the Canon program. I'll try to work on that later...and since HJ has to train for 4 hours at a time, later may be really later. So, I'll give you all the verbal update and maybe pictures will follow soon.



We have been in Krakow three nights now. HJ has to work for 8 hours everyday, so that gives me plenty of time to explore. Yesterday (after my nap) I sat in a coffee shop for an hour or so sipping a latte, watching people, and reading Jane Austen. I felt so...well, so european I guess. I am still most enthralled by the people here. I want to look European...I have started wearing my scarf everyday because I think it looks highly stylish, but everyone still speaks to me in English so I must be giving away my American-ness somehow. How do they know? Maybe it's my Northface jacket? The New Balance tennis shoes? I'm not sure. By the way, a latte here is not like at home. It is actually lots of milk with a tiny bit of coffee...yum.



HJ and I also visited the salt mines yesterday. Krakow used to mine salt because it was highly profitable (like gold). The miners were very superstitious and would carve statues out of salt for good luck. There is even a huge chapel made completely out of salt. It was interesting, but a bit too touristy. Before the tour, we "got in trouble" with the tour guide...we were 5 minutes late because the ATM was broken and we had to go round up some Zloty (polish money). The bus almost left without us and everyone was very frantic due to our tardiness. Lesson learned--when in Poland be on time.



Tonight, I am entertaining myself by going to a Chopin/Mozart concert at the Twelve Apostles Church. I was also thinking about getting some highlights put in my hair, but I am worried I will come out with bangs. Everyone has such beautiful reddish highlights, and I think it is cheaper here to get your hair dyed. Tomorrow, we are going to the concentration camp, Auschwitz, outside of Krakow. Then, we will leave on Saturday for Prague.

The weather here is strange. It has rained everyday since our arrival, but the air is still so dry. I have been waking up with these sinusy headaches and a sore nose...I think I am addicted to humidity. I am not sure if you can have humidity withdrawal, but I am having it if it is possible. I also seem to be developing some sort of cold. I guess I am not immune to the Polish rhinovirus or whichever virus it is that causes the cold. Or, I could be allergic to Poland. I want to take an antihistamine, but I am already sleepy and my nose is already dry. Dry, but also running...very weird.

Things we visited today: The Wawel (vavel) Castle
Things I have eaten (including yesterday): Smoked Salmon with breakfast, Smoarna (meat and veggies) with french fries (the only food you can get Everywhere), More icecream (I have to try all the different flavors, right?), coffee, coffee, coffee
Reading: same
Random Impressions: I thought I would use some of HJ's random thoughts...
1. All the women here are either tall or short, there is no in between.
2. There is more acceptable variety in men's hairstyles here...mullets, mohawks, all ok for work.
3. No one has curly hair here.
4. You (meaning me) are a fairly tall woman (thanks, HJ, I'm glad you noticed).

Well, I hope all is well for you back home. Please keep us in your prayers. More updates (and pictures, hopefully) to come...

Krakow, Poland

Czesc! (Hello!) Well, here I am in Krakow, Poland after a full day of plane rides and and airports and taxis. HJ and I left yesterday for our European Tour (sounds official, huh?). We will be here for 5 days while he trains some people at the Poland branch of his company, then we are meeting up with 4 of our friends to go to Prague, Vienna, Salzburg, and Munich. We are thrilled to have this time to spend together, and also to be able to travel. I have broken the long (very long) blogging silence to keep a log of our trip. I should be able to post pictures starting tomorrow (I forgot my USB cord tonight). So, here are some of the high points of the trip thus far...

1. All of our flight were on time. Actually we got one flight 3 hours early at no additional charge. This is astounding to me because my family has a travel/restaurant curse, so this would have never happened to me before I got married. Thanks, HJ!

2. We flew from Memphis to Amsterdam. ( I wanted to title this post "Amsterdam am I jet lagged", but thought it might be slightly inappropriate, but I guess you all know now anyway). The Amsterdam airport had these great chairs, "comfort chairs", were you could sit an catch up on your sleep. This would never happen in the US, but I am realizing that Europeans in general take their rest and relaxation seriously.

3. We had to fly in a teeny tiny plane from Warsaw to Krakow. I was terrified at first, because I don't like planes where the propeller has to get going before you can take off. The whole flight was wobbly, but we made it with no damage.

4. Our hotel is nice, with free breakfast.

5. Krakow is beautiful. Today we got up and explored a bit. I love to watch all the interesting people- men in suits going to work (at 11 am), women with scarves and so many different shoes, kids on a field trip all wearing ties but nothing else that resembles a uniform. My favorite part of travelling outside of the States is realizing that there are other people out there. People who are so different- strange language that sounds like so many consonants strung together, strange clothes in layers with boots and hats, strange habits and customs-and yet they are still so much like us. They still work and talk and laugh and love each other. They still envy and lust and hurt each other. It is humbling to remember that I did nothing on my own to be born into a wonderful family in the US. God has so richly blessed me, but it is only to His credit, and for His glory that he does any of it. He can save me or an old man in Poland or a child in Africa, and it is all just because he loves us.

OK, that was a long one. I'm sorry for the tangential writing. I did want to keep a few things consistent in my travel blogging, just for record sake. So, here goes:

Things we visited today in Krakow: Cloth Market, Old Town, Bell Tower, Gallery (a huge mall)
Things I ate: peiregowa (dumplings with meet and cheese), goulash, Italian ice cream, truffles, lots of coffee
Currently reading: More Love to Thee, Sense and Sensibility
Random Impression: People here like to wear tight pants and clothes that don't match (I fit right in with the not matching). Also, bangs are big (I hope this trend doesn't find its way to us.)

That's all for now. Good night!

Well, here it goes...

I wrote this poem several months ago but I have not posted it because it is somewhat harsh. But, in explanation, it is written to myself. I found myself wanting to help my patients who were "innocent", those whose disease had happened to them in a seemingly unjust manner, more than I wanted to help the drunkards, the morbidly obese patients, and the criminals. And, looking at myself, I was humbled by the fact that Christ died for me when I was yet a sinner, before I could even ask to be saved. If He can love me like this, when I sinned against him, hurting myself, how can I not love my patients who also "did it to themselves"?

rotting flesh, stench following me home

to safety where I dwell

awful scent of sweat and anaerobes

mingled with guilt and fear

guilt because the illness is self-induced

fear because there is no end, no cure, no stopping it


rotting flesh, pounds of fat beneath

sad eyes sinking into round cheeks

open wounds in crevices no one wants to clean

wounds inside from gazes averted and blame cast

gasping for air, short sentences between breaths

the weight of years bearing down on the soul beneath


rotting flesh, I stare then look away

show no mercy for him who ate drank sexed shot up hurt himself

help the sick and innocent but not the guilty

let him sit in dying skin

sinking lower in a pit of his own mistakes and excrement

waiting for another day of death

rotting flesh, this is me to Jesus

sitting helpless

my own faults too many to weigh

finite list of sins but infinite capacity for the bad

death in my every breath

the greatness of my sin hiding even the need for help


rotting flesh behind, layers of self love and self disgust

he pulls me out of the pit

shedding what held me to the ground

He saved me from myself when I was yet guilty

He loved me dark and running with my own seeping sin

Dying, He saved me though I did it to myself






Ephesians 2:1-10
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Summer already...

Happy June! I have returned from my long blog sabbatical, though I am not promising any consistent blogging for the next month. This month, really the last two months, has flown by without any concern for my wanting it to slow down. I have taken the USMLE (medical licensing exam) Step 1 and begun my first clerkship in pediatrics. Gone are my own preferences on how to use my time. Gone are the afternoons of couches and coffee (and books). Gone is my own routine, my own schedule, my own time. Yes, these luxuries are gone. I have been planning around only my own desires for the last two years, and I am now at the mercy of those "higher-ups." But, I am also at the mercy, the great and sacred mercy, of God. He has so kindly given me this time of servitude to hopefully pull out of me my selfishness. Here are some of the verses I am memorizing for the upcoming months:

"Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if , when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you , leaving you and example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2:13-25

I do not mean to imply that I am endure sorrows or suffering unjustly, because I am not. But, I will have people in authority who instruct and correct me. I want to serve them as if I was serving God. I want to serve them humbly, unselfishly, without excuse. I am so grateful for the authority that I will have for the next few years in my life, be they "good and gentle" or "unjust." Either way, I hope to serve them with love. Please pray for me as I try to do this-pray for God's strength and grace in my heart.



On more of a practical note, I have noticed that peommes has become more like prosemmes in the last few months. The poems have been few and far between because my down time has followed the same pattern. Thanks for reading despite (or maybe because of) the lack of poems. I am working on one, so look for a post in the next day or two. Have a beautiful and relaxing first day of June!

The Small Things

I am not an irresponsible person, but I have a terrible time getting small things done. This is strange, I know, for someone who is fairly Type A and also in medical school. You would think that I would be all organization and schedules, and I am for the most part. I like my house clean (not just neat, but actually free of germs), and I love to make lists. Sometimes I add things to my lists that I have already done, just so I can then cross them off. However, I hate (yes, actually despise) taking care of small details. I cannot think of anything worse than mailing letters (I like to write them, just not mail them), making phone calls, putting my insurance card in my car...I have no idea why these things, chores that take a total of two minutes, bother me so, but they do. And not only do I not want to do them, it bothers me that I have not done them. This vice of mine is also most annoying to my husband because he gets things done immediately, before I even knew they needed to be done. Anyway, I did not mean to be so long winded, but I needed to explain this side of myself in order to share a story of God's provision.

On Tuesday, I took a practice test at the testing center where I will take Step 1 next week. All the procedures were identical to the real test, so I had to show my driver's license and sign in. Of course, due to my above mentioned problem, I did not want to put my license back in my wallet-too much trouble even if I had thought to do it-so I put it in my back pocket. I did not think about said license again, and it would probably still be in my jeans pockets, on the hook in the closet without God's kind providence. (By the way, the hook system in my closet is another example of my problem...I do not want to hang up jeans that I am going to where again in two days, so I have hooks.) Well, yesterday I decided at the last minute to go to church for dinner, so I changed out of my sweats and into my jeans that were still hanging on the hook. These jeans are a bit too short, but I wore them anyway. On the way into church, I decided to try to pull my jeans down a bit, so I would not look like I was waiting for a flood, and much to my surprise, I found my driver's license in my back pocket. I am so thankful that my pants were too short, that I decided to eat at church, that I left my jeans hanging on the hook. God once again took care of me, even in this seemingly small thing, because next Tuesday I will be able to take my test, instead of arriving without my driver's license. Wow, how amazing to see God's hand even in the smallest things. I guess this is also a lesson that I need to work on getting the small things done.

Good Friday

Is not good Friday a strange name? No other religions can call the day their lord dies "good". But it is so good to us. Today, and every day, we celebrate the death of our Lord and our God. Jesus Christ, humble in human flesh, bleeding and disgraced, died on the cross. He have himself for our sins; He lived perfectly and died that we might take part in his inheritance. We are heirs with him because He has imparted his righteousness on us. What else do we need to call it Good Friday?

I have been praying specifically that God would allow me to understand more his steadfast and deep love for his children. And, thankfully God has opened my eyes in many ways to the depth of his love. This is what Paul prays for us in Ephesians 3- that we would have the "strength to comprehend with all the saints...the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge." The strength? Isn't is odd that this requires strength? To comprehend something that surpasses knowledge? How can we? I think that Paul is showing us that we never will. For all eternity we will be comprehending, never wholly understanding, but forever in awe of Christ's unfailing and holy love.


Here is an old hymn (1700's) by Isaac Watts:

Alas and did my savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For sinners such as I?

Was it for sins that I have done
He suffered on the tree?
Amazing pity! Grace unknown! And love beyond degree!

Well might the sun in darkness hide
And shut His glory in
When Christ, the great Redeemer died
For man the creature's sin.

Thus might I hide my blushing face
While His dear cross appears,
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
And melt mine eyes to tears.

But drops of grief can ne'er repay
The debt of love I owe:
Here, Lord, I give my self away
'Tis all that I can do.

pride and humility

Sometimes my life is themed. For weeks, I will have some continuous theme that recurs in my life. I will see the same person in different places or learn the same thing from different sources. Often, I will hear the same verse repeated, over and over, as if God is banging me over the head with a specific idea. Sadly, my theme for the week is humility, or lack of it. Now, I cringe to even discuss humility openly, because I do not want to learn humility. It is dreadful to imagine the ways I could be taught humility...bad test grades, embarrassment, helplessness. No, I am most certain that I do not want to be taught humility, but, oh, I do want it. And herein lies the dilemma. How can I learn humility without being humiliated? How can I get rid of my awful pride and still look like I have it all together? I suppose the answer is that I cannot.

Let me tell you about the way I am being hit over the head by humility. It is subtle, but it is obvious to me that my innards need to change. Last week, I posted the verses from Ephesians 3, Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. Well, today I went to a Holy Monday service at lunch, and what was the scripture being exposited but Ephesians 3. I did not think this verse was about humility, but now I see that it surely is. Paul prays that we will have the strength to know the love of Christ-the breadth and length and depth and height of it. And now I see that Christ's great love must humble me so much more than any embarrassment on earth, for He saved me when I could not save myself. I did nothing to deserve his peculiar love. And, He has saved so many people that I would not have saved because of my deeply ingrained pride, my self esteem, my sin. He has saved the poor, and the dirty, and the sick, and the evil. And those people that I do not want to sit with or talk to, and definitely not touch, He has loved them, too.

Those people are me. I am evil without Christ. I am sinful and full of myself. I am unlovable to all but Christ. Oh, the breadth and length and height and dept of the unspeakable love of Jesus. This is my joy...His love, not myself. How thankful I am that I do not have to rely on myself, that my salvation does not depend on me, that He will forever be my righteousness. My humility is in my lack of holiness, but my joy must also be there. Jesus Christ is my only hope, but in Him I have all the hope I need.

Praise Him for our salvation and that we can celebrate Easter with joy for the salvation we have received. Happy Holy Monday!

My study schedule is calling, so I must make this short, but I wanted to share from Ephesians. This prayer that Paul prays for the Ephesians is what I pray for many of you and what I hope you will also pray for me. God's gracious love and sovereign plan are our comfort, and what great comfort and security they are. If He has saved us from sin and death, will He not meet all our other needs as well?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do for more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen

Ephesians 3: 14-21

And We're Off...

Today is Day One of studying for Step 1, the first of three medical licensing exams that I will be taking on April 17. I am going to try to blog more during the next three weeks and maybe it will help me maintain some degree of sanity. Please, pray for me that I would have diligence and energy to study every day. I am a bit worried at the prospect of spending so much time with myself, and I am praying that God will help me to glorify him even in my studying. Studying can be a very selfish endeavor for me because it is just me and the books, and by the end of the day I have spent much of my time thinking about how I will do on the boards, how I am feeling, if I am hungry or thirsty, if I, I, I, I...you get the idea. Anyway, I am not sure what the answer is, except to pray that my eyes would be lifted to Him who made the heavens and the earth and me, for He is the one who has saved me, and He is the one who can change me. So, even though my studying seems only focused on me, I am trying more and more to focus on the One who gave me all that I have, and to realize that the things I am learning will someday help me serve the sick and sad that presently seem so far removed. It is hard to believe that learning the Krebs cycle or how DNA mutations are repaired can really help someone, but I am trying. Surely some of this will be useful someday, or maybe it is just a great conspiracy by medical school test writers to make me miserable. Well, for today they will not succeed. I will not be miserable. Birds are singing, the sun is out, and all the azalea have bloomed. Yes, it is quite lovely here, and even my little hydrangea has decided to peak her head out for another year. So, miserable test writers, and all you people who think amino acids are interesting, here is to you. I am one less medical student that you have made miserable today. Praise God, for he makes all things possible.

Pictures of Miss Hydrangea and The Azaleas and The Vine that Smells Like Babies (yes, I realize this is strange but is is true) :

Ephesians 1:3-10

Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Praise God!

Well, I've not the time to post anything extensive, but I just wanted to share with you (whoever you few readers may be) that today was a major milestone in my life. I have been going to school every year, year after year, for twenty years. Twenty Years! That is a long time. Ok, so four year old kindergarten was not stressful, but beginning with K5 I have been working pretty hard (all that cutting and pasting...yuck). And today, after all this time, I have finished my final day of actual class. Yes, I will still have lectures from time to time, but no more of this endless sitting in class all day. No more numb feet from chairs that cut off my circulation. No more eating my lunch at 10:00am because it might help me stay awake. No more will my life be divided into 50 minute segments everyday. I must admit, I am thrilled. Hooray for 20 years of classroom based learning that is now behind me. I shed no tears, but I am sure I will look back nostalgically in the next few months when I am caring for sick people in the wee hours of the morning. But for now, I am jumping up and down. Four more tests to go...and off to the real world of doctoring.

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord. How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!

Psalm 90:12-17

winter trees and hope of spring

I am like the winter tree
having shed the last speckle of summer's green
with the last flourish of fall color
donned as if death was not expected
falling falling to the cold earth

All the spring and summer growth
seems to escape and fly away
all evidence that beauty had emerged
lost in winds of chilling gray
drifting drifting into my winter dreams

I am left alone
with only bare branches to be seen
and only my roots for comfort
deep down where the cold fears to go
slowly slowly the heart sings songs of hope




I think this poem might be a weird one, but sometimes I feel like the growth God has given has hidden itself away for awhile. Those in the true family of Christ, heirs to his glory, must know that their foundation, their root, is in Christ. He gives life and growth. We have been grafted in to his beautiful tree, and He will be faithful to finish this work he has started in us. So, as we eagerly await the coming spring, let us also eagerly await and pray for change in our lives. And, as always, we must give God the praise for the change that He alone can bring.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

The Return of Tumor Robin

Well, Tumor Robin lives.

Who, you may ask, is Tumor Robin? He is our own cancer-ridden (or maybe its benign, so neoplasm-ridden) robin. He lives is our yard, and he disappears for lenghthy bits of time only to reappear when our last hope for him has given out. Tumor Robin (pronounced the same way you would say Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh) has a large and growing mass on the back of his head, and I guess it will never be fixed. When robins get cancer, they do not get rushed to the hospital. No one sits down with them and tells them that they have cancer and discusses the possible treatments with them. Chemo? Surgery? Radiation? No, just waiting and watching for robins. They do not even know what cancer is. For robins, life is only hopping around in the back of worried people's yards and gathering worms, or whatever else it is that they eat. Tumor Robin is happy, or at least he seems to be. I don't think he has any friends because he is always alone. Yesterday, a blue jay even tried to attack him, and still he just hopped around, a little wobbly from the effects of the tumor, but still hopping around. I came home in a complete panic to study two more hours for my test, and there he was, a reminder of my complete lack of trust in God, just hopping around, eating, and letting his little tumor grow larger. I guess this is what Jesus is talking about in Matt 6, about not worrying. How could Tumor Robin worry? He has no friends and cancer, but our Heavenly Father feeds him. I want to be more like Tumor Robin, trusting God for my next breath, and not trusting myself. When I go to sleep at night, it is God who sustains me, and when I wake in the morning, it is God who gives me grace to make it through the day. God is my strength and my song, my help in times of trouble, and my kind refuge. I want to be more like Tumor Robin, and the Christians that I see with this same attitude. I want to trust God for my next breath and pray that his will alone be done in my life. To God be the glory in all things.

Matt 6:25-30, 33
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I can tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But is God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown in to the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Like a Skin

This weekend we have been at a Tim Keller conference: Cruciformity, Shaped by the Cross. I was so challenged and encouraged. Lately, I seem to have a disconnect between what I believe and want to be and how I actually work out my salvation. Quite honestly, I have been very discouraged by lack of fruit. I do believe that my assurance of salvation is in fruit. Obviously, God does the calling and the saving of me, a sinner deserving nothing but eternal punishment. Yes, Jesus Christ did the saving when He died in my place on the cross. But, as a Christian, my actions should follow my conversion. Dr. Keller was refreshing in his cross-centered perspective of conversion and change. I was convicted that many times I am not reminding myself that I am free (Romans 6) but am living as if I am still in bondage to sin. The cross changes us, especially as the Holy Spirit reveals to us the wonders of the cross and of God's perfect and steadfast love.

This is a song by Sara Groves. I've been listening to it for the last couple days on my ipod so I thought I would share:

The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again
The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he’s been and moves on

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

Feels like I have been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
Come on New Man where have you been
Help me wriggle from this Self I’m in
And leave it like a skin

A new year and still sorely in need of grace...

Happy New Year, all ye who still read this long forsaken blog. January 1, 2007, has come and gone, and it is safe to say that I do not feel much changed. Is not the first day of the year a needed reminder that I cannot do anything on my own? I did not make any firm resolutions except that I quietly hid hopes of becoming kinder and more patient in the back of my mind. And by becoming, I meant that I would be, without set back or delay, immediately kinder and more patient. Kindness and patience are not the actual words I was internally using, but I just desired a general sense of unselfishness and humble godliness. Sounds good, huh? However, New Year's Day proceeded something like this:

8:00, Wake up, drink coffee, seem to have a very unselfish attitude.

9:00 Pray with husband...Ok, so this was actually beneficial. I should have started here in the first place, on my knees instead of pridefully thinking I can suddenly be what I have never been before on my own.

10-2 Groceries, lunch, etc. No big set backs yet. (I'm sure there were many inward sins, but for the sake of the story, I'm just depicting the outward appearance. I am by no means saying that I had not sinned up to this point, because I know I had. OK, just wanted to clear that up...)

2:30 Here it comes...I am taking the groceries in and Flesh rears its awful head...An unkind word to husband because obviously you should not try to have serious conversation when taking in the groceries. And, of course, all the groceries must be brought in in one trip, or all is lost, so my arms are giving way quickly under the weight of eight or so Walmart bags. Inwardly, I sink...the new year is now a complete failure. I can never start again. Oh, no!

2:45 Groceries up (with husband's help)

3:00 Start black-eyed peas to simmering. Quick bike ride with all the other New Year's exercisers.

Ok, so I could go on, but hopefully you get the point. I started my new year on the wrong foot, or wrong feet, because I started it on my own feet. Why did I not realize that God in his infinite kindness and steadfast love had given me those desires to be more like him? I am thankful that He has worked on me so much already. And, why did I think that on January 1, though on no other day, I could of my own will be better? I must admit I laughed at myself quite a bit when I realized my prideful mistakes. This year, like every other year, I must be changed by his power, not my own. So, Happy New Year. I hope you do not follow in my foot steps my taking change into your own hands. Work in God's strength for his glory.

Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
but to your name give glory,
for the sake of your steadfast love and faithfulness!
Psalm 115: 1

monday, monday...

I am reminded today by many occurances that this battle that I fight is not my own. God has fought my battle, and so I continue to fight with his energy. I am not his because of something that I did right because nothing I could do would be good enough. Graciously, God saved me when I deserved his righteous and awful wrath, and continually He shows me his steadfast love. He is good and kind, and even in difficulties, He works good for those who love him. He takes away the things that keep us from loving Him completely, and he disciplines us like a good father.

On Sunday, the sermon was on Colossians 1, and I once again was able to thank God for saving me and giving me strength to fight in his name.

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities-all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body , the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister."
Colossians 1:15:23


Nothing can I bring you,
Lord, I am empty.
You have called me out,
But I am hungry, sick, and full of sin.
Lord, I stand before you,
in this rotting suit of skin.
And all that I can offer,
is a humble here I am.

CHORUS
Lord, you have built your nation.
Holy and dearly loved.
We were dead, but you spoke and we lived.
Sinful but you covered us with grace.
We were unarmed, but you gave us your Spirit and your Word.

Lord, we seem to fight just to make it through the day.
But, Father you fought all our battles,
When you placed your Son upon the cross.
May the spoils for this war go to you and you alone.
And may our victory cries be songs of praise to your name.

Count them one by one...

Psalm 66:1-12

Come and see what God has done:
he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.
He turned the sea into dry land;
they pass through the river on foot.
There did we rejoice in him,
who rules by his might forever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations-
let not the rebellious exalt themselves.

Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

In reading this psalm, I realize that God's kindness extends far beyond what I perceive as kindness. His blessings are not usually what I want. But, success did not lead to the abundance; the trial did. The psalmist praises God for the apparent blessings (passing through water on dry land) and for the not so apparent blessings as well (passing through fire and water). Hopefully, I will be able to look on all parts of life, even the day to day small parts, as being from God. He has blessed me abundantly, and I give him the praise for all the good that I have. But, when I count my blessings, I must remember to count all that God sends my way as a blessing, for He works everything for my eventual good. Pray for me that my eyes would be open to God's blessings and that I would be satisfied wholly in Him.

Birth
O semblance of all things new
From the womb I come bearing scars.
I am of the family of death,
A daughter of Eve.
I look like life, but I am death.
I sound like health, but I am not even alive.
I am new and yet the old sins are upon me
And even my infant hands grasp for what I think is mine.
I am broken
I am born

Life
O the Glorious sound
Live, He says, Live
Grow like a plant of the field
But I am unclean and unwashed
I bring with me the sins of my parents and their parents
And my own sins as well
I am sin itself and I cannot stand before You
Your dear and dreadful Light shows my darkness
I know my guilt
I am alive

Work
O let me help myself
Give me things to prove my love for You;
Tell me what I must do to be saved.
Like the rich young ruler I want to keep my earnings.
You say I only have to let you take my hand
But I want to take your hand.
My work is but another sin.
I think I am strong
I am weak

Grace
O Beautiful Son of Man
Take away this awful guilt
Save me for I cannot save myself
O Coverer of my sin, O Sacrifice, O Love
Let me hide in your shadow
Let me sing in your presence
I am born again into newness and goodness
I am clean
I am born

Birth
O Semblance of all things new
On the cross, the Lord Jesus took on my sins
Received what should be my scars.
I am of the Family of the Heavenly Christ,
A daughter of God
My body looks like death, but I am life.
Sickness may overtake me, but I shall live.
The old sins will not have dominion, for I am free.
I am healed
I am born

"Again the word of the Lord came to me: 'Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations, and say, Thus says the Lord God to Jerusalem: Your origin and your birth are of the land of the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.
'And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I made you flourish like the plant of the field. And your grew up tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.
When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, I spread the corner of my garmet over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil...But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore because of your renown and lavished your whorings on any passerby; your beauty became his. Your took some of your garments and made for yourself colorful shrines, and on them played the whore. The like has never been, nor ever shall be...For thus says the Lord God: I will deal with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath in breaking the covenant, yet I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish for you an everlasting covenant. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you take your sisters, both your elder and your younger, and I give them to you as daughters, but not on account of the covenant with you. I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord God."
Ezekiel 16

Spiritual Discipline III: Fasting...for the purpose of godliness

"Self-indulgence is the enemy of gratitude, and self-discipline usually its friend and generator. That is why gluttony is a deadly sin. The early desert fathers believed that a person's appetites are linked: full stomachs and jaded palates take the edge from our hunger and thirst for righteousness. They spoil the appetite for God." Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.

I have rewritten the first sentence for this post seven times in an effort to say something witty or at least light-hearted about fasting. But, the fact is, I (and probably many others) do not like the idea of fasting. I am actually quite comfortable with my routine eating habits, and sadly this probably corresponds to my contentment in other areas of my life. To me, fasting seems more difficult than the other disciplines. It is completely counter-cultural because American culture tells us that our priority should be to make ourselves comfortable and happy. In many ways, I have bought into the lie that my earthly contentment is important and necessary, but I have yet to find this in Scripture. The blessings God promises us are eternal. Obviously, He also gives us earthly blessings, but they should point to Him. It is ridiculous for me to place my trust and my joy in earthly things since all I have is what God has given me. James 1: 16-17 says, "Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." The focus of the gift is not the gift; the gift points me to God. I have not earned anything that I have, so I must thank God for it and find my satisfaction in Him alone.

All of this does have something to do with fasting. In Dr. Whitney's session, he talked about the fact that fasting is expected just as prayer is (Mt. 6:16-17, Mt. 9:15). Jesus assumes that his disciples will fast. So, we should fast because God says we should, and when we fast we should fast for a purpose. We are, in a sense, showing God that we are serious about Him or about our request. We are telling God that He is more important than our food. And is this not the way is should be? God, our Father, is more important that food. He should be our sustenance and our satisfaction.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heave, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."
John 6: 53-58

Spiritual Discipline II: Meditation

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Philippians 4:8

This is the second post in this series on spiritual discipline, and it is on meditation. However, before I go on, you should know that meditation seems to be one of my gifts. Meditation on anything but Scripture. You can be assured that I am always meditating on something, and you can probably also be assured that it is not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely...Actually, it is probably the opposite of these descriptors or just something utterly unimportant. I confess that my thought life is not full of meditation, but I hope that it will become more centered on God's Word. I need God's grace in so many ways, and this is yet another. Well, despite my apparent lack of discipline in this area, I will still share what I learned last weekend about meditation, all the while praying that it will take hold in my heart and grow.

Meditation: deep thinking on the truths and spiritual realities revealed in Scripture, or upon life from a Scriptural perspective, for the purpose of understanding, application, or prayer.

Dr. Whitney compared meditation on Scripture to making tea. If you simply dip the tea bag in the water, it will not change the water. This is what happens when we just read the Bible in the morning, leave for school (or work), and by 9:00am cannot even recall what we read. On the other hand, if you meditate on the verses throughout the day (like letting tea brew), Scripture will color your attitude, thinking, view of yourself, and beliefs. It will also add flavor. Notice that to dwell on Scripture all day, you must first meditate on it enough to remember it for more that five minutes. Well, why does this matter? Meditation leads to obedience and obedience leads to blessing.

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
James 1:25

"Blessed in the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers."
Psalm 1:1-3

I am often discouraged that I am not growing more like Christ, but most days I ponder what clothes I will wear, food I should cook, or notes I should study more than I do Scripture. I am usually wondering if what I said came across the way I meant it or if what someone else said really meant something different. These thing are in no way uplifting, and I know I must direct my thoughts to Scripture. Dr. Whitney gave several methods for meditation, but I will not list them here (I think they are probably on his website). He emphasized that it is an active process, not one in which we clear our minds (worldly meditation), but one in which we fill our minds. He also emphasized that the blessings we will receive are not necessarily worldly blessings. Like James, we must "count it all joy, my brothers, wehn you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-3) What we see as a trial may be a blessing.

So, may our minds be filled with Scripture as we tread through our days this week. May we think on Christ's blessings and our undeserved salvation. May we rejoice in the small steps of sanctification we see in our lives and may we pray for grace to love God and others more.

Spiritual Discipline

This weekend my church had our biannual "Spiritual Formation Institute." Dr. Don Whitney (www.BiblicalSpirituality.com) taught on spiritual disciplines, so I thought I would share some of what I learned. I think I will divide it into a couple different posts on the different subjects we discussed. I am hoping this will help me remember these things better and also be a means of accountability.

The first two sessions were on prayer and meditation, followed by sessions on fasting, silence and solitude, journalling and learning. In the session on prayer, Dr. Whitney explained a common problem in the Christian's prayer life: "We pray the same old thing about the same old things." The latter part is not the problem because obviously we are going to pray about the "same old things" for these are the things about which we are most concerned (family, future, church/ministry, current crisis, etc.) The problem, he said, is that we pray about these things in the same way, and often we lose focus or wander from praying to worrying or day dreaming. Dr. Whitney stressed the fact that the solution to this problem (and other problems dealt with during the conference) must be a simple one because all Christians are called to pray and, therfore, all Christians must be able to pray. Here is his solution: Pray through Scripture. Praying throught Scripture allows us to use God's inspired word in our prayers, and we have fresh prayers everyday. Dr. Whitney recommended praying through the Psalms. Read through a Psalm and pray whatever comes to your mind. Praying this way gives purpose to your prayers, and using the Psalms is helpful because through them God has revealed to us how he wants us to praise him.

I found this session particularly beneficial because I do often lose focus when I am praying. I usually write down my prayers because it seems to be the only way I can not either fall asleep or get distracted. I do think that writing prayers down helps because I see God's kindness in any growth I have or in the way He answers prayers (Dr. Whitney talked about writing prayers in the session on journalling so I will probably get to that in a later post.) I hope praying through Scripture will be a method that will help me have a more focused and God-centered prayer time.

Here is some Scriptural evidence for praying Scripture:
Matt. 27:46
Acts 4: 23-26

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:15-17

Christ is our Captain...

My Great Captain is Christ,
but I am not conquering Canaanites.
The evil here is not so apparent;
my neighbors are not killing their children
or prostituting them to small gods of wood and stone.
I do not have a city to protect;
I do not have a gun.

But, with Christ as my Captain,
my battle is not with flesh and blood,
and I cannot see my enemy.
I can see my neighbors dying, already dead in their sin,
prostituting themselves to small gods of money and comfort.
I have no earthly city to protect,
but I have a gun.

Christ, my True Captain, he is my strength
against cosmic powers over this present darkness
against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
Not fighting against my neighbors, but for their very lives,
showing them that their small gods are their destruction, not their food
leading them to the lasting city,
where Christ is the Sun.

Christ Jesus, my captain, you are my life.
Give the me your whole armor;
keep me alert to the evil that abounds.
Remind me that my neighbors are dying, their children with them,
even though their small gods seem to keep them full.
My city is not here, but I forget.
When, O Christ, will you come?


And Joshua went to him and said to him, "Are you for us, or for our adversaries?" And he said, "No, but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come." And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, "What does my lord say to his servant?" And the commander of the Lord's army said to Joshua, "Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy." And Joshua did so.
Joshua 5:13-15

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.
Ephesians 6:11

I need some newness...

School has once again descended upon our home (uninvited and unwelcomed). My apparent spiritual growth in the area of anxiety has all but vanished with the onset of tests and studying. However, I can see God's gracious hand at work to point out my sin, and for that I am grateful. Please pray that God will sanctify me to trust his timing and provision. If you are still reading my blog, thanks for being patient with my sporatic posting. I am hoping to write more consistently once I get settled into school life again.

Here's a poem on the lighter side...I just thought I'd try something different.

New
Again
I am here
and what I want
is not what I do
there are holes in my skin
where Christ's seering grace seeps through
and when the holes all join
I will at last do
all that I want
I'll be home
Holy
New


From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Threfore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Call a Sin a Sin

Anxiety is obviously a sin:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let you reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:4-7

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which or you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: the neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?...But seek first the kindgom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Anxiety is one of the sins with which I most struggle. It creeps into my heart and mind when I least suspect it, and suddenly I am beneath a dreadful weight of minor cares. So, I am both confessing my anxiety and dissecting it...

Why am I anxious usually?
First, and worst, I am not most satisfied in God and his righteousness. I am seeking earthly success or comfort (in my life this means good grades, health, reputation...). Secondly, I do not trust that God can meet my needs.

What does God say about anxiety?
As I mentioned earlier, it is a sin. I think that God cannot provide or sustain me. I am not treasuring God above all else or finding my satisfaction solely in Him.

Why should I not be anxious?
When Jesus talks about anxiety in Matthew (and in Luke's parallel), he says, "Therefore, ...do not be anxious." So, what preludes these therefores? In both gospels, he has talked about earthly riches and how I can not provided for myself or keep riches here on earth. I think from this I can safely say trying to have these things on earth will produce anxiety, and I should not be concerned with earthly riches.

What is the solution?
Seek first God and his righteousness and in prayer with thankfulness for God's gracious kindness present my requests (what I am concerned about) to God.

My prayer is that my anxiety about what I can find to wear or if I will be able to make the grade I want on the next test will be replaced by peace from God. However, I do not think that the solution is simply to stop worrying; I must find my happiness and joy in Christ and Christ alone.

I know this post is long, but I will end with this song:


Why so downcast, my soul, within me?
Why so downcast, my soul?
Your Father, God, He has redeemed thee.
Why so downcast, my soul?

Lord, You are my only hope,
The Bright and Morning Star.
You came to earth to set me free-
and shed your blood for me.

Father, my flesh it weighs upon me,
tears my heart from Thee.
Save me, Jesus, from myself,
And pour your grace on me.

Lord, You are my Only Hope,
The Bright and Morning Star.
You came to earth to set me free-
and shed your blood for met.

why I am blogging...

As is obvious from earlier entries, I write poetry. I will not say I am a poet because this is in no way my first or greatest calling. In fact, writing poetry falls fairly low on the list of my priorities and responsibilities. However, I do enjoy expressing my gratitude and praise to God for his grace and love through writing songs and poems, and I have been urged, nay spurred onward, by my encouraging husband to post my poems and share them with my friends, family, and any other innocent (only in the sense that they have stumbled upon this blog unknowingly) readers. The purpose of this blog, and hopefully of my life, is to glorify God and to encourage other Christians. Also, if you are reading this and you are sure that you are not a Christian, or you are not sure that you are a Christian, I pray you will “make your calling and election sure” (2 Peter 1:10). I have several links that I think are beneficial for learning about God, so feel free to follow them or ask me questions. Besides posting poetry, I also plan to post my thoughts on some things I am studying (which may include many medical references once school starts back) and some of the things with which I am struggling or that I am learning. As always, I appreciate your prayers, advice, and accountability.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Hebrews 10: 24

a hymn on satisfaction

Your strange mercy has reached into my soul,
And made the old self new.
And when from the depths, I hear myself cry,
I know it's not me but You.

Ah, blessed grace that holds me close
And speaks of hope to come-
When my hungry soul is fed,
and I need no light or sun.

CHORUS:
O Christ, O Saviour, O First fruit,
O Maker, and my God,
My hope, my ache, my thirst, my goal,
In You is satisfied.

Dear maker of this dying world,
Of man and beast and sea,
When will you loose the binding chains,
And set the captives free?

Your tribes dispersed await that day,
With expectations great,
When Christ, their life, appears again,
And wipes their tears away.

CHORUS

In the promise of your Word,
We now are made to rest.
For we know that all our needs
And hopes in You are met.

O grace that we cannot explain,
O love that is so deep-
Keep our eyes afixed on You,
O Shepherd of your sheep.

CHORUS



"Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street. On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And there will no longer be any night; and they will not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God will illumine them and they will reign forever and ever."
Revelation 22:1-5